letting go
by the ocean floor
Summary: "i love you, always have." "i know." he loved her, she loves him.


you stare at your big bay window as pebble after rock after stone hits your window, he's playing romeo again, & you frown, he's always been just a friend, ever since the second grade when he shared his bag of oreos with you & snuck out at nap time to look for your fallen bracelet.

**/**

he's talking to you about his upcoming soccer game & you share about your past date. you can't help but notice the crease in his brows & the twinkle in his eyes diminish, you've always meant more to him, you're not that naive. you've always noticed how he smiles at you just a little too long, praises you too much & cares way more than he should & it hurts you to know that you can never play juliet.

**/**

when prom arrives, with its big laced, promise filled letters & rose petals on every corner of the school, you pray every night that he doesn't ask you. so when he doesn't, you're silently delighted, that is until you win for prom queen & like all high school clichés, he's prom king. the dance is more awkward than it should be, but his steady smile & cheesy jokes keep you laughing.

**/**

it's graduation day when you realize that you will no longer be able to see him on a daily basis with a starbucks & a grin just for you. you remember how the night before the two of you went out to the park to play tag just like the old times with your other friends, back to the days of cooties - not stds. he's the first one you hug after throwing your cap in the air & you honestly never want to let go because he reminds you of childhood & summer afternoons & a list of firsts. your parents take a picture of the two of you, the two best friends.

**/**

college goes by fast & you find yourself hardly having enough time to breath so keeping in contact with your high school buddies almost seems impossible. every time you have a test you laugh because you can practically imagine him sitting there, sleeping on his test & later telling you that he'll just bribe the teacher or donate another library & with you responding by telling him that the school was going to run out of harringtons to name the buildings out of. he'd shoot you a dirty look in response.

**/**

you launch your fashion line, it starts off rocky & you feel like you're standing on a rope a thousand feet up because the industry is so tough, you can barely keep up with anything & you only go on facebook to wish people happy birthdays. so when you get an invite to a high school reunion you find yourself on a trip to the mall almost immediately, a plane ticket already grabbed up.

**/**

the swirly amber liquid in your cup matches your eyes & you watch everyone walk in & out, it's like a scene from a movie, a classic of your own accord. when you see all your friends you can feel your eyes pricking with tears & by the wetness of your shoulders you assume they feel the same way. when you see him walk in with an armani suit and a pretty black haired beauty linked to his arm you want to laugh, but you can't because your heart is going into a panic. that's the moment you realize that you've always loved him.

they have the ex prom queen & king dance & the two of you awkwardly sway until everyone else joins in, the black haired beauty watching him from afar, a fond smile on her face- you want to puke. the two of you don't talk until he leans in and whispers in your ear.

"you must be ugly." he says, you scrunch your brows & pull back, wondering what he's saying. you mutter a 'what?' & he laughs and replies with, "kori gedman finally learnt how to use eyeshadow."

you laugh remembering what you'd always mutter to him in chem about kori learning how to use eyeshadow the day you were ugly. it feels good to laugh at him again. you spot the engagement ring on his hand & your heart shatters as the song ends; you wanted to stay where you were all night.

before he leaves he rushes back to give everyone one last final farewell & you're last. he smells the same, like spearmint, sandalwood, expensive aftershave & armani cologne. he gets your contact information before waving you goodbye with that cocky smirk you know so well splayed across his lips. your eyes start to water- again.

**/**

you can't keep him off your mind, he's just that constant thought that's there. as you look through sketches for your spring line your secretary walks in (avoiding eye contact) & squeaks that the mail's in. you take it from her & give her a small, unusual smile that she frightfully returns before heading out your glass doors. you look for your information about fashion night but something more important catches your eye, a creamy envelope with a sticky note on it. the note reads 'i wanted to send it to your house but knowing you, you'd throw it out thinking it was some sort of fan mail' you smile fondly, recognizing the scrawl. your smile drifts quickly when you pull the paper out;

it's a wedding invitation.

**/**

the harrington's have gone all out, you're not too surprised. the procession is supposed to start soon & you slip out of your seat next to alicia & head out through the big wooden doors to where the men are dressing. you knock once before twisting the golden door knob & peak inside. he's all alone, tying his bow tie again & again.

"let me do it." you huff, seeing how he's messing up, he looks up at you through the mirror & gives you a light smile. he turns to you obediently & you adjust the black ribbon until it's perfect. his big brown eyes look up at the wall & yours follow, he only has five more single minutes & he looks so uncharacteristically nervous. "i better go." you mumble & start to walk out before you become completely selfish & turn around. "i love you derrick, i always have." _always will, _pulses through your mind.

"i know." you hear him say in a kind, quiet voice from behind the door, you listen as the door clicks shut behind you & you run out of the plaza to any place that would be a haven in comparison. _always will_, still coursing through your head.

**/**

one hour turns to three days. three days turns to five weeks. five weeks turn to eight months. eight months turn to three years- you still haven't let him go. you constantly wonder about what ifs, 'what if i never left the ceremony?' 'what if i'd told him earlier?' what if, what if, what if. a busy, hectic morning sends you to starbucks to retrieve your own coffee. you're thinking of him the whole way there & when you stand in line, he's nagging at the back of your fashion experienced mind. you grab your mocha & as you walk out of the crowded coffee shop you see a man carrying a little girl with wispy brown hair & light brown eyes, they have the same eyes, his blonde hair their only contrast. she's giggling & he's whispering to her, his chiseled features covered with stubble, a briefcase in one hand. your eyes meet his & before he can come up & speak to you, you leave. your heart has never felt so heavy.

**/**

when you go home you pop in a dusty old copy of breakfast at tiffany's into your macbook. holly golightly's back in front of tiffany&co. brings back fluffy memories to your mind. god only knows the last time you saw this movie, with him sitting next to you commenting until he finally fell asleep, his head grazing your shoulder & his soft snoring making you smile. as holly & paul kiss for the last time, you lean down and pull out an old worn out picture frame of you & him at graduation, your arms around each other with smiles plastered to your faces & set it on your bedside stand, because that's your way of finally_ letting go_.

* * *

><p><em>weird...angsty...review? :)<em>


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